Last night I dreamt of you
and remembered losing you all over again.
I relived the heart-wrenching realization that
you are gone from my life
and that I have no other choice
but to grieve you and bury you.
How could it be true that you are really gone?
And yet, in the morning’s light and routines,
I eerily find the dream fading away.
As if I Am suspended between realities,
I Am not sure what to allow…
Let you disappear all over again
with the charge of the day?
Or crawl back into the distorted dreamscape
and the awful grief?
I know I Am still searching for you…
Where do you reside now?
And how do I help my forlorn self
who is perpetually suspended
in this terrible nightmare?
I allow.
The tears.
The shock of the suspended unreality.
The anger that I feel so utterly alone.
The guilt that there was so much more
I could have done and did not.
The pain of the profound loss,
like a giant sinkhole
threatening to swallow everything into nothingness.
I allow the grief because it declares
all over again
how much I love you!
I allow the grief because it affirms
that my heart is working
and I know that all this pain reveals
the capacity of my deep vulnerability
and immense feelings.
And, I choose this.
I choose all this feeling.
All of this pulverization and reforming.
I know my heart is reconstructing itself
and growing it’s wisdom and softness.
As I choose to stay vulnerable,
I Am allowing my heart to lead the Way
to transform me beyond my ego's drive to control and survive.
I know deep inside my heart
the only way to heal through grief
is to feel,
allow all my feelings,
and to hold myself with gentle, kind self-compassion.
Again and again and again.
I lovingly allow and choose my messy grief.
I embrace my love and my pain.
I AM the embodiment of
self-compassion and self-love.
As I resurrect my beautiful heart,
for me,
I widen and deepen my capacity
to give and receive love.
I AM becoming a more loving beautiful version
of myself
through every tear and smile.
Thank you grief.
Amen
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